Roni River

Self Portraits

I know Ive been away from here for so long. But those who are on my Facebook and twitter know I got married and shot a feature for the Quarterly magazine coming out next month. I also send out my work for 2 events here in Israel and got denied. I really don’t think this country is the platform for my work. Which is extremely frustrating. But oh well…

Life is chaotic, I haven’t written or posted because people probably think all is hunky dory for me now and I don’t want to disappoint. Its like I can’t seem to find peace no matter what i do. My relationship is great and Im not getting divorced or anything but relationships are hard, I never even lived with someone this is a first for me in so many aspects. 90% of my love life was imaginary and now Im in the deep end of reality and this is no joke. 
Extremely overwhelming. Lucky for me i have my sisters to cry to as my mom lives in South Africa. Its like my whole life I was building a foundation for my self that will keep me safe but now that I’m faced with reality I feel the only thing I know to be true is not true, and that can sometimes shake me so hard and I get so scared sometimes of the future. I think if you take away the ground a person walks on he will loose his mind. And I almost do sometimes. I even had a breakdown last week in which I hit my head and threw what ever I could, The last time that happened was 5 years ago if not more…
So anyway… Life goes on and all in all Im so happy to be with Shupa, he really really has seen me inside and out , and he knows my darkness and he knows my light, Im so scared to wear him out with my shit. He’s like the biggest mirror anyone has ever put in my face. And I have to deal with the shit that comes up for me in this mirror otherwise I will fuck it all up. 
That is the illusion people have about true love I think. Most people run away from their darkness into passion and lust and then don’t understand what went wrong when it blew up in their face. When a healthy relationship guides you into your shit with support so you can handle it and clean it up once and for all. 
Bottom line, the work never ends. 
Happy Living
:)
A year ago today I was insanely inlove with a man 20 years my senior hoping and praying he wont have his kids on new years so we can be together…waiting for every sms and reading into every smiley and every missing smiley in his text. And today Im in a new home, one I am renting together with a man who loves me for real, planning our wedding invitations. I seriously think Life is insane…I always thought happy endings were meant for thin gorgeous women…in one of our very first phone calls I cried saying this will never work between us. So he asked me ” Why?” to which I replied ” because this cant be real! ” - “what is reality in your eyes?” I answered instinctively ” PAIN!” he was then quite for a few seconds and said ” I want to apologize to you that life has been so cruel to make you believe such a thing.” I believed true love, you know the kind that makes you get married would be so particular, and its not, its just so simple and it just makes sense without those butterflies that were born from lust that fade away after the first …everything. Its just simple and mellow and relaxed. It has its ups and downs as I’m learning happens when 2 people share life together 24/7 but its steady. Not rocky as ALL my past relationships were. Don’t waste your time on the wrong people… and don’t be afraid to get hurt. That’s what Ive decided after that last breakup. I decided I would never let my self get so lonely and I will love again. And it worked. (until he broke up with me 2 months later… which made me run off to my mom in South Africa to forget the world and 2 days after my arrival there it worked for me again. )Don’t shut down . Keep trying.

A year ago today I was insanely inlove with a man 20 years my senior hoping and praying he wont have his kids on new years so we can be together…waiting for every sms and reading into every smiley and every missing smiley in his text. And today Im in a new home, one I am renting together with a man who loves me for real, planning our wedding invitations.
I seriously think Life is insane…

I always thought happy endings were meant for thin gorgeous women…
in one of our very first phone calls I cried saying this will never work between us. So he asked me ” Why?” to which I replied ” because this cant be real! ” - “what is reality in your eyes?” I answered instinctively ” PAIN!”
he was then quite for a few seconds and said ” I want to apologize to you that life has been so cruel to make you believe such a thing.”

I believed true love, you know the kind that makes you get married would be so particular, and its not, its just so simple and it just makes sense without those butterflies that were born from lust that fade away after the first …everything.
Its just simple and mellow and relaxed. It has its ups and downs as I’m learning happens when 2 people share life together 24/7 but its steady. Not rocky as ALL my past relationships were.

Don’t waste your time on the wrong people… and don’t be afraid to get hurt.
That’s what Ive decided after that last breakup. I decided I would never let my self get so lonely and I will love again.
And it worked. (until he broke up with me 2 months later… which made me run off to my mom in South Africa to forget the world and 2 days after my arrival there it worked for me again. )
Don’t shut down . Keep trying.


I was picked! Come see my photo -Portrait Salon: A date for your diaries

portraitsalon:

Many thanks (again!) to all who submitted to Portrait Salon this year. We had an amazing 1,105 images submitted to us, from around 400 photographers, which is about twice as many as last year. We really appreciate your support. The selections have now been made and, if you did submit to us, you…

Featured in Anormalmag today 
 

(Source: anormalmag.cl)

Roof tan

(Source: wix.com)

(Source: wix.com)

We all do it dont we..? Think once we have something our lives will miraculously fall into place. Even though I always “KNEW” life doesnt really work that way, something in me really did believe that once I find a man that wont play games with me and which I will find a home with, my anxieties will cease to be an issue in my life. 
I have made that “peculiar” assumption based on past experience in which I was madly inlove and things that always seemed ” scary” weren’t scary any more. Now I know that illusion happens when you are in LUST. Its like going out for a few beers and than thinking about shooting other people or asking people to pose for a project seems so silly…”Hey Ill wake up tomorrow morning and just DO IT ” but the next morning I wake up alcohol free and I never do it. Cause its scary again…cause those thoughts are king of my castle once more… Ugh being sober sucks…
:P 
and being in love has the same effect I suppose but then it wears off. 
I just realized that as long as I will be insecure and as self conscious as I am… allowing myself to finally really fall in love with a man that wants to give me a home is the scariest thing yet. 
Anxieties dont go away they just shape them selves into every single aspect of your life. The only way to get rid of them for good is to look in the mirror and love your self. Each day a little more…dont beat your self down on things you didnt accomplish.
the other day I woke up with my man by my side waking up aswell… and I found my self turning  to the wall and tears came down my face. Its not always easy to allow love in and love doesnt live in you to begin with…Sometimes I think Im too hurt and too dark to open my self to it. But I am working on it. And I will reach light! if it kills me !

(Source: Flickr / roniriver)

My feature in Marie Claire Holland!!

jkflash asked: hey i really like your 365 your a beautiful woman and you have amazing talent.

Wow thank you so so much :)

Things People Say Hi Roni,When you wrote that you don’t think anyone ever really ‘touched’ you (Sounds  very familiar)and I found myself wondering have you,Roni, ever really touched someone else?and If so (and I have a feeling you have more than once) what does it mean to you to touch someone that doesn’t touch you?#email 2010 
Roni River
Roni River
I really want to upload this photo but dont know what to say, I couldve added some text from Things people say but this wasnt taken with that text in mind. 
I ve been away writing wise as Ive been going through some crazy stuff ever since I came back from South Africa. I met someone whos now living with me and we are looking for apartments in the city together which is crazy!
We even spoke about getting married next year. Its so much to take in I dont know what to do with my self most days. 
Im already easing into it better than I did a month ago. I cried so much already and panicked so many times. The good thing is that he isnt taking me too seriously when I get into my mood swings, I always knew I needed someone who wouldnt. 
Cause a guy would get stressed with me it only makes these anxiety attacks worse.




I have so much more to tell you all about this but Im afraid I just cant get into it now but slowly slowly I will write more, I just have to find my place in it first.




Thank you for all the supporting emails and your missing me emails! I appreciate it so much! 
I was published in Marie Claire Holland by the way! unfortunately I never got the magazine…
Cant wait to exhibit again… hopefully this year still and I want to publish a new book so lots to do and very little time to do it in. 




:-)
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