Roni River

A year ago today I was insanely inlove with a man 20 years my senior hoping and praying he wont have his kids on new years so we can be together…waiting for every sms and reading into every smiley and every missing smiley in his text. And today Im in a new home, one I am renting together with a man who loves me for real, planning our wedding invitations.
I seriously think Life is insane…

I always thought happy endings were meant for thin gorgeous women…
in one of our very first phone calls I cried saying this will never work between us. So he asked me ” Why?” to which I replied ” because this cant be real! ” - “what is reality in your eyes?” I answered instinctively ” PAIN!”
he was then quite for a few seconds and said ” I want to apologize to you that life has been so cruel to make you believe such a thing.”

I believed true love, you know the kind that makes you get married would be so particular, and its not, its just so simple and it just makes sense without those butterflies that were born from lust that fade away after the first …everything.
Its just simple and mellow and relaxed. It has its ups and downs as I’m learning happens when 2 people share life together 24/7 but its steady. Not rocky as ALL my past relationships were.

Don’t waste your time on the wrong people… and don’t be afraid to get hurt.
That’s what Ive decided after that last breakup. I decided I would never let my self get so lonely and I will love again.
And it worked. (until he broke up with me 2 months later… which made me run off to my mom in South Africa to forget the world and 2 days after my arrival there it worked for me again. )
Don’t shut down . Keep trying.

I was picked! Come see my photo -Portrait Salon: A date for your diaries

portraitsalon:

Many thanks (again!) to all who submitted to Portrait Salon this year. We had an amazing 1,105 images submitted to us, from around 400 photographers, which is about twice as many as last year. We really appreciate your support. The selections have now been made and, if you did submit to us, you…

Featured in Anormalmag today

(Source: anormalmag.cl)

Roof tan

(Source: wix.com)

We all do it dont we..? Think once we have something our lives will miraculously fall into place. Even though I always “KNEW” life doesnt really work that way, something in me really did believe that once I find a man that wont play games with me and which I will find a home with, my anxieties will cease to be an issue in my life.
I have made that “peculiar” assumption based on past experience in which I was madly inlove and things that always seemed ” scary” weren’t scary any more. Now I know that illusion happens when you are in LUST. Its like going out for a few beers and than thinking about shooting other people or asking people to pose for a project seems so silly…”Hey Ill wake up tomorrow morning and just DO IT ” but the next morning I wake up alcohol free and I never do it. Cause its scary again…cause those thoughts are king of my castle once more… Ugh being sober sucks…
:P
and being in love has the same effect I suppose but then it wears off.
I just realized that as long as I will be insecure and as self conscious as I am… allowing myself to finally really fall in love with a man that wants to give me a home is the scariest thing yet.
Anxieties dont go away they just shape them selves into every single aspect of your life. The only way to get rid of them for good is to look in the mirror and love your self. Each day a little more…dont beat your self down on things you didnt accomplish.
the other day I woke up with my man by my side waking up aswell… and I found my self turning to the wall and tears came down my face. Its not always easy to allow love in and love doesnt live in you to begin with…Sometimes I think Im too hurt and too dark to open my self to it. But I am working on it. And I will reach light! if it kills me !

(Source: Flickr / roniriver)

My feature in Marie Claire Holland!!

jkflash asked: hey i really like your 365 your a beautiful woman and you have amazing talent.

Wow thank you so so much :)

Things People Say

Hi Roni,
When you wrote that you don’t think anyone ever really ‘touched’ you (Sounds very familiar)
and I found myself wondering have you,Roni, ever really touched someone else?
and If so (and I have a feeling you have more than once) what does it mean to you to touch someone that doesn’t touch you?
#email 2010

Roni River

I really want to upload this photo but dont know what to say, I couldve added some text from Things people say but this wasnt taken with that text in mind.

I ve been away writing wise as Ive been going through some crazy stuff ever since I came back from South Africa. I met someone whos now living with me and we are looking for apartments in the city together which is crazy!

We even spoke about getting married next year. Its so much to take in I dont know what to do with my self most days.

Im already easing into it better than I did a month ago. I cried so much already and panicked so many times. The good thing is that he isnt taking me too seriously when I get into my mood swings, I always knew I needed someone who wouldnt.

Cause a guy would get stressed with me it only makes these anxiety attacks worse.

I have so much more to tell you all about this but Im afraid I just cant get into it now but slowly slowly I will write more, I just have to find my place in it first.

Thank you for all the supporting emails and your missing me emails! I appreciate it so much!

I was published in Marie Claire Holland by the way! unfortunately I never got the magazine…

Cant wait to exhibit again… hopefully this year still and I want to publish a new book so lots to do and very little time to do it in.

:-)

Back to film

My Love ran me a bath