I know it maybe a bit late but merry X-mas everyone!Thank you for supporting me and loving me this year!! One year after my 365 has ended and here we all are :-)I am Jewish but this is a great opportunity to tell you all how grateful I am that you have been by my side this year. It means the world to me and I wish I could do more to show my appreciation. LOve you All Me :)
I have been so lazy lately. So many things I need to do like people I have to call and interviews and submissions I have to send with text I still have to write. I also wanted to post some stuff I have photos to upload but I haven’t been in a state of mind to write anything down. Something is going on with my family and it might change the way I live. Cause the apartment I’m living in might have to be rented out for the extra income that means I have to seriously start working so I can afford my own pace I don’t want to move in with my mom or anything like that. It’s time to get my grown up life in check and it’s so scary. And to top of all that my dog ,who’s been acting up lately and breaking blinds to get into the house when no one is home has broken a window to get in yesterday and cut her leg very badly. So we went to the vet ,and she’s so difficult she doesn’t let anyone come close to touch her she screams and tries to run for it she (the vet) had to put her to sleep in order to stitch it all up. I spoke to a trainer today about her behavior and he said she sounds like she suffers from anxieties and he needs to come see her to evaluate deeper and see how she behaves. Which is funny isn’t it I always said I don’t want kids to not pass on my anxieties onto them but I passed it on to my dog… mmm
This is another take without a crop, I have another take with my arms up and my eyes closed but I think this is a bit better I don’t know… there’s something so sleepy about my face that I find hard to look it cause it bothers me.
I don’t have too much to say, Gd knows Ive said so much on my last photo I think Ill just let the picture speak this time, Although my photos lately haven’t been very talkative as some of my past work. But that’s all a part of the process I suppose and if I have to exhibit tomorrow then Ill choose the better ones and the boring ones will just stay on flickr J
I really wanted to do a smaller version of my book that will sell for allot less for Xmas but blurb shipping is only until Dec12th or something like that because of the holidays. I should’ve had it all ready before December. Next year Ill be much better prepared. But I promise something special for January!! : )
I have a new <a href=”http://www.facebook.com/pages/Roni-River/149401348444957”rel=”nofollow”>Facebook </a> page as my previous one gone deleted. So please LIKE me :-P
I have a bit of a headache again I think it’s because I’m not drinking enough now that’s its colder here I’m less thirsty which is very bad. My eyes are burning as well so looking at the screen is a bit hard. What can I tell you besides the fact that I cut my thumb today and this plaster (band aid) is annoying… I got a few emails this week from new people who just discovered me recently and were stunned by how open I am about my life and struggles and how I write about it all more so than my photos. But I havn’t been talking about some stuff that have been going on for a few months now because it hard to write things when you know the person involved is going to read it. I use to write so openly because the people involved were never IN my life they were always people just walking by my path, peeping in wanting to touch maybe but nothing more and now I have someone in my life that I want to talk about but I can’t because I need to keep us private for my sake as well as his. But I’ve always had relationship issues and this relationship isn’t skipping any of them this time aswell. After 3 months together I ran. I got so scared and so panicked that I disconnected and it got to the point that I couldn’t feel anything anymore and I had to walk away in order to hear myself again. 3 and a bit weeks later I did, I finally heard what I needed to hear I understood allot about what didn’t work and why it didn’t work and I asked to meet with him. He agreed and we’ve been back together since then, I am now feeling myself getting scared again. Not in the same way. I don’t want to run in the other direction this time. I just want to relax and enjoy it for as long as life will let me but I’m so scared about falling in love and then having it end in a year or 2 from now… or maybe I won’t fall in love, I mean I’ve been madly and blindly in love in the past and it NEVER brought me peace and it never got me LOVE either. So now that I have peace and LOVE why do I keep searching for the electric fence in order to feel a little tingle every now and again…? It’s as if I’m looking for trouble within my own mind! My thoughts are taking me places I don’t want to be! My mom said ” You don’t know how to be happy.” And it’s true not only in this case but in my photography accomplishments and what not. I suppose it’s because I’ve been a lone wolf my entire life, living in a house that’s very family orientated and with my 3 siblings I love them all but I never felt apart of anything. And in South Africa being in that school and being treated and looked at like a freak isolated me even more and that’s how I stayed. I kept my pain and angst to myself cause I was the only one that knew how to deal with it and how to sooth my sorrows, I never let anyone in! I never needed anyone else to be ‘IN’ to begin with. I still don’t. Maybe that’s why I find it hard to share myself or to share my life with someone that isn’t me. I don’t want to get use to someone loving me and being there cause most chances are it will go away one day… nothing really lasts forever. I don’t want to forget how to take care of myself on my own. I don’t EVER want to NEED anyone! And yet I’m still so UN independent, at my age, and it kills me. And what I want most of all is to do so much on my own for my own independence. And I know! I read these lines and I know this may be one of my biggest life lessons yet! And that is to learn to accept. To learn how to receive and to learn how to let people in. I don’t understand why so many other photographers get these big opportunities in life and are discovered and I’m still trying to find my way in the dark it’s so clear all of a sudden as I’m typing these words. I’m not letting the world in so how can anyone find me? as crazy as that sounds with my internet “success” and my nude photos, it’s all a front, I’m still living very closed off in my towers, watching and controlling who sees what and who knows what about me. It’s ridiculous.
I will just add that I love this man I have in my life and I’m so honored that he chose me. I don’t want my words to be misunderstood I am very grateful for what I got I just need to learn to receive it in its full power and all of its might. And I’m still a bit scared to let it.
Maybe I’m scared it will over take me and that’s where I’m gonna get lost…
If someone would’ve told me on the 10/02/2009 that I will one day publish this photo I would never have believed them.
But here it is…the day I am publishing this photo. It’s from day 38/365 I knew it was good I knew it was real and I knew it was my truth but I couldn’t let anyone see me this way…now I’m feeling so much better about myself that I just don’t care if someone looks at this and thinks its grose… I really don’t.
And I’m glad I reached this point with in myself. So as you can see yes my 365 project and all the feedback that I got did wonders for me in all aspects and yet it took another year for me to get my courage to post this. So here it is…
For all of who have been wondering where did I dispear to on facebook?! My account and fan page were disabled for gd knows what reason. I don’t know if Ill get it back I sure hope I will. I emailed them today.